if this was my heartbeat

loseriam

2012-01-28T10:26:00.004+08:00

i thought i could turn my back to you. but watching you stand alone, all of my doubt suddenly went away somehow. love is still there. how i can ignore you, how can i do not care what is happening around you, how can i not be there when you need me. i am too afraid, afraid of losing you. what's standing in front of me, i will not let anything to take away. i hold you so tight, only hope that you hold me tighter back. but everything told me that i'm holding something that not belongs to me. you are holding someone who you've asked to wait for you, who made you feel want to marry with, who you want to be with forever. don't say you are a loser, i am. i lose to her at the beginning, i lose myself to you, i may also will lose you at the end.

you will never lose me,

only if you let me go.

yourweapons

2012-01-02T17:31:00.006+08:00

my friend, actually you did not see through things, you only saw yourself. you said you was self-protected, but you didn't mind that you hurt me when you was protecting yourself. your apologize was only ease your own guilt, you never thought of what you did, did not ease my pain at all. your mean words were killing me, dragged me back to the hell. if you were being honest, my friend, honesty is not for you to express your real feeling and hurt others. what you did was exactly revealed my scars again and poke many times on it. you never thought of hiding your knife. tell me what would you feel? if what you experienced with flesh, blood and tears were nothing to people you love. all the feelings you believed was real were other's illusion. i did not know was that your denial. if only denying the past make you feel better. please put yourself on my shoes once. i have climbed so hard all the way from the dark cliff. when i finally saw a little sun shine, you kicked right to my head, and i fall down heavily down to the deeper cliff with more pain and hurts. please do not ever say i am immature because you're the last person to have the right to say to me. i was trying hard to be fine. i love everyone who love me. although memories came back sometimes, i've put down. i do not hate you and let you go. still take you as someone i care of and willingly to help you no matter what you did. friend, i sincerely hope you that you appreciate everything you are having, you still need to learn what love is. same goes to me. i love you, my friend. stop taking it as a weapon to hurt me.

xie xie ni,

zai shang kou shang

sa yan,

wo kan po le.

2012

2012-01-01T23:32:00.002+08:00

flipped over to 2012 chapter, 366 pages. learned precious lessons from the previous chapter, thanks to everyone who walked in and out of my life, remember the pain i have endured and kiss the scars that carved on me. look at the mirror, although the unfamiliar face. smile and talk to myself, everything is getting better. live the year like it's the end of the world. :)

it's reborn.

christmasnotinmyheart

2011-12-25T16:07:00.005+08:00

i heard sarah connor's christmas in my heart. "but all i really need tonight, is for you to come and hold me tight. what is christmas without you here by my side. i need you tonight." maybe that's the reason why i don't feel christmas. at least i had a good sleep on the christmas eve. even though you appeared on the dream. you walk in front of me on the path. i keep looking at you and you peek on me. then, you suddenly turn right but our destination is still ahead. i woke up and realized that there is no "our" destination. you've walked with me and you turned into your own path, left me alone on my way. i stood on the crossroad and wait for you, but only found out you were walking further and further, with people who love you, without turning around your head. do-not-disturb is the only christmas gift i can give to you. wish you merry christmas.

i know that you're not cold,

warm by your lover's hug.

that's enough for me. :)

miss

2011-12-22T21:36:00.004+08:00

i confess that i miss you very much. the last post was just convincing myself that it is okay to live without you. it ended up failed. the missing didn't fade as the time pass, but grows with the memories. i still remember you held my hand from the front seat of car. walked with me to the morning market. on the beach. every words you've said to me. your warmth, breath, and heart beats. all i miss and missed. too much. now i watch you live in pictures like i used to watch you sleep. and i feel you forget me like i used to feel your breath. all that i know is i don't know how to be something you miss.

nor sun, nor moon,

still the only you.

regain conscious

2011-12-12T12:57:00.003+08:00

when i regained conscious, as if i woke up from a very long deep sleep, as if someone dragged me from dark place, as if i came to hell. breathing is an unconscious bodily function but became the only thing i conscious about. pipe through my nose, throat into my stomach made breathing difficult. focus on the inhale and exhale by mouth, every breath was to struggle to live. human should not take breathing as granted, breathing means you're alive. the other thing i don't ever take it as granted is sleeping. how to fall asleep when you have to concentrate on every breath and when you feel someone is strangling you? every waking hours was torturing. my strength was the only thing that carried me on. that's when i realized that no feeling is worse than that. the lost of someone who don't love me is nothing. but why you came back and ran around my leaving scars? gave me false hope that you're still love and care about me. made me get more wounds and bleed more. made me have to back from the start to forget you. just let me learn to live half alive.

i'll be strong enough

to ever fall back in

your arms.

the moment

2011-12-07T18:05:00.002+08:00

the moment i lay on the hospital bed and pushed by nurses to the surgery room, i felt that what was coming, came finally. i did not have any strong emotion waves, eerily peace in my mind. i guess the sedative pill may worked. no any strange thoughts, but there was still you in my brain. i said goodbye to you mentally, like bella did when she was drowning. and also three words. i said goodbye to myself too. i knew that there is no more same person with the same smile love you with the same way. the moment i lay on the surgery room, the strong surgical lights, the nurses were busy around, the grey's anatomy scenes, i was still very calm. the last conscious moment was when the anesthetist injected narcotic, the tingling feel was running in my blood of left hand slowly. then, the moment arrived.

until regain conscious

final stage

2011-11-25T15:13:00.003+08:00

the pain of letting go should comes to an end, and replaced by the pain of grabbing the only chance, the jaw surgery. i wished someone i need can be my side when facing this, but it seems helpless. i came all along by myself, i am tough enough to conquer the final stage by my own. i have no choice to feel scare or to escape. hero side of me have the strength to carry on. this is also a chance for me to turn a new leaf, turn a new page of my life. instead of backing off, i am looking forward the brand new me. the day after tomorrow.

no more gummy smile.

no more old me.

i'm fine

2011-11-18T20:40:00.008+08:00

i'm fine. i just lost someone who don't love me like i do. i'm fine. i need time to collect the pieces of my heart, which only take years. i'm fine. i will try my best to block any unhealthy memories, which is not my strength. i'm fine. as long as i repress the pain, the tears will not roll down my face non-stop. i'm fine. i will return smiles to my face. i'm fine. if you give me strong sedative or morphine. i'm fine. i lost my appetitie and having insomnia, but i still managed to feed myself and sleep for hours. i'm fine. don't tell me how much you love her. i'm fine. the scars on my knee will become less visible someday, and stop reminding me what we have experienced. i'm fine. i will not cut myself and show you. i'm fine. self-destructive have limitation. i'm fine. i have no choice but to be tough. i'm fine. i am a fool who still love you after all. i'm fine. i don't have any reason to hold back. i'm fine. just let me miss you until crazy. i'm fine. just let the pain torture me until i cannot bear. i'm fine. i just hate myself of loving you too deep. i'm fine. i have nothing left because you are my one and only. i'm fine. i feel sorry to myself. i'm fine. i just feel tired of breathing. i'm fine. you just gonna stand there and watch me burn. i'm fine. if only if my heart is stop beating. i'm fine. i'm still alive. for now.

don't worry

i'm fine.

beach

2011-11-14T23:16:00.003+08:00

i am desperately want to go to the beach. stepping on the sand, listen to the sound of waves, enjoy the sea breeze blow to my face. i miss the night sitting on the beach, smoking and talking whatever confused mind with wuan. i need to scream loudly to the sea, let the waves scroll away all the sadness. i need to get drunk, forget everything temporarily. i need someone hear me babbling about all the craps. shit. where can i find someone do this with me?

fuck

i don't want alone

twenty first

2011-11-12T23:54:00.004+08:00

thanks God for giving me the best gift, the presence of every single of my family, friends and those who love me in my life, and blessing my past twenty years. for Your grace, i am 21st years old now. i promise You that i will potray the real meaning of love from Corinthians 13. the only wish i asked for is people i love can stay in healthy, safety and happiness. i love You, i know my wish will be realized. :D

photo edited by my sister.

celebrate with my family.

flowers from lycia.

celebrate with kie, may and beng.

cake and flowers from them.

simple and warm

my 21st

11.11.11

2011-11-11T15:33:00.003+08:00

single doesn't mean no one love you, doesn't mean you are alone or revelling in loneliness. you are just waiting for someone who is so special that you can only give one love to the one, who is so lucky that deserved the only you. as one day passed, you are one step closer to the one. darling, don't be afraid, there is also someone waiting for you. if i could, i want the one and only be my first and also the last in my life. :)

all along i believe i will find you

time will bring your heart to me

2011-11-08T23:04:00.004+08:00

it dawn upon me that i should be independent, strong and happy like i used to be. kill the weak side of you. it is hazardous for your mental and unhealthy for your body. sensitive persons are not happy because they care too much. care less, astee, share only your happiness. :D

twist your thought

things have 2 sides

deep

2011-11-07T13:14:00.005+08:00

i don't want to judge myself either what am i doing is right or wrong, worthy or worthless. i have jumped off the cliff, too deep that i couldn't survive. drowning in the self-destructive process. being with you is my only desire. for in failing at this, my life is meaningless.

this was my choice

and i regret.

inevertoldyou

2011-11-01T22:46:00.008+08:00

i miss those wolf eyes

how you kiss me at night

i miss the way we sleep

like there's no sunrise

like the taste of your smile

but i never told you

what i have should said

no i never told you

i just held it in

and now, i miss everything about you

i can't believe that i still want you

after all the things we've been through

i miss everything about you, without you

here without you

with me

2011-11-01T00:54:00.007+08:00

i started to miss a pair of paws and hands so much already. i'm selfish that wanna keep people i love beside me forever, although i keep hurting them or i was tortured. maybe human have a part of sadist and masochist in themselves. i just can't let go, watching people choose to leave me is unbearable for me. please stay with me and accept the worst of me. i born to cry easily, and i hate it so much. but, that is me. people never wanna show their weakness in front others, me neither. fight the tears with me.

hold my paw, please

sorry, i miss you

2 - 1

2011-10-24T17:23:00.007+08:00

am writing things again which is not a good sign. it means that i have no place to express, no one to talk but here, all alone by myself. i have to hide everything inside like what i always did before, before i thought i could be truly myself in front on someone. i scared people away as if i were a monster. who cares the reason of u acted like that? don't tell them that you're having personality disorder or emotion problems, for those who not care, these are just lame excuses. once people found that you're wrong, no matter how hard you change yourself to the right, you are impossible to change their perceptions on you. for them, you're still pathetic wrong. it's just like crumbled paper, it won't become flat anymore. i may just end up like the crumbled paper, thrown in the dustbin. stop begging, noone out there will trust on you and give you another chance. in the end, i am still standing here alone.

keep your mouth shut

noone wanna hear

your stories

nor you

2011-10-20T01:16:00.003+08:00

once, i thought that my dream comes true. you're my edward, accept the whole me, love me the way i am. i am too naive, i admit. my weak points are too much that noone can accept including you. time to burst my bubbles, this is not my fairy tale. i am just the intruder of your life. perhaps there is one thing that i should be glad of, i made you realize that both of you are compatible. no thanks are needed. just wish me single happily ever after.

i need your love

i am a broken rose

heartache

2011-06-23T10:35:00.004+08:00

keep holding on. although i am so tired of getting injuries, living in the puzzles, being totally not me, i am still here. please give me faith and strength, i can't do it on my own. i am just flesh with blood, can't take more heartbreaking, so stop hurting each other. i know that i cannot breakdown because you need me. i am not anyone else, that's only one me. i don't love three things in this world, i only love one you.

i feel your pain because
it same hurts as mine does.

three

2011-06-16T12:17:00.003+08:00

some things you chose not to tell her, you said some kind of fragility, only i will understand. i always willing to be the listener, comfort your pain and protect you till the end. even if your love, belongs to her. even if your hand, she's still holding. even if you're tired, i'll be here.

it's enough

yours

2011-05-26T11:38:00.006+08:00

you're not mine but i'm yours. if you want to fly away, you always have your freedom to do so. i don't have any options except stay by your side. i have cut down my wings and exchanged for a pair of hands. i just want to hug you tight and give you my warmth. as long as i can.

愛してるわ

fact

2011-04-21T17:48:00.002+08:00

one sentense is enough to break a heart.
"that is a fact."

thanks for your reminder.
:)

padlock

2011-04-05T23:21:00.004+08:00

being with you, i really feel like i am in a dream because everything is so unreal. i don't want to wake up from this dream but i know that eventually you will leave me alone to struggle myself in between dream and reality. i don't have the right to lock you as you're not belong to me. yet, i don't mind to lock by you. i will never take off the padlock, it is the only evidence of your existence i have. if only if you want to unlock me from your life.

don't go away

rational me

2011-03-27T13:57:00.004+08:00

i am too rational. i am too rational. i am too rational. i always try so hard to escape myself from the prison, but the walls are too high to climb over. i am tired to struggle and fight against myself. there are too many lines i've drawn to trap myself, it is so suffocating. maybe i am a masochist. i try to run but i don't wanna ever leave. who want to leave this fucking life? take a deep breath, ahhhh, it is so great to be alive. :))

life is too short,
live it with the real you.

whole you

2011-03-26T08:50:00.004+08:00

no matter there are how many you inside your body, i accept the whole you, try to understand every single you. i do not mind your sexual orientation, it never scares me off, i like whoever you like. i do not care about your history, i only care about your present and also future, i will always be there for you.

yes,
or no?

drunk ass words

2011-03-25T12:36:00.003+08:00

what you have said, i really cannot deny. it's my fault, i should be good in masking all my emotions. you're right, i felt disappointed because i hoped. you are someone i really believe that i can lean on, but you afraid that i will sink deeper and deeper. the conversation between us, you don't remember but i will not forget. never underestimate my self-control, i am cold-blooded, can leave without hesitation. please, do not try me.

为什么越相信谁能依靠，

越换来又一次灵魂寂寥

ash

2011-03-23T23:36:00.003+08:00

you're not ash, but diamond. you brought sparkles to my life, and made my colors burst. if you are ash, you will be blown and fly away from my world. so, be the unbreakable diamond, continue shines on me.

the more the diamond is cut
the brighter it sparkles

simple happiness

2011-01-24T18:05:00.004+08:00

this pic reminded me of when i was a kid, i love to pop the bubble wrap so much. shy to say, till now i still love to do this. i like to feel the bubbles underneath my fingers, pop the bubble wrap one by one, and listen the pop sound. it's like my mission is to get them all popped and i will feel so satisfied. simple thing that is amusing right? as i know, the market got sell a product which produces realistic bubble wrap bursting sensation and sound, the feeling is entirely different tho. hmm, anyone have bubble wrap please kindly keep for me. it may sounds childish for you, but it's feels good when you found happiness is very easy.

when u're a kid, happiness is simple
when u're grown up, simple is happiness

i wanna

2011-01-21T16:33:00.007+08:00

i wanna backpacking and do volunteers! wanna experience everything, explore every places, culture and food, have eyes opening when i am still young. dun wan just staying at home, facebook-ing all the time and watching dramas. come on, my life not gonna waste like that. save it for the last stage of my life ok. i've dug many info about silk road for my public speaking assignment, i feel wanna discover the road by backpacking. it sounds adventurous and exciting. the countries that have presented by the other groups attracted me to visit too. start with asian countries first with the limited budget.

err.. can someone carry for me?

the other thing is volunteers. i really love to do charities and help people. maybe i don't look that kind, but i do have that heart. found that there are volunteer programs for conservation of marine turtle and orang utans in malaysia. that's awesome. keep those plans for my after-graduation-plan. nah, i don't do things just saying without action. for now, i wanna be active and take parts in any charity activity organized by uni. people, let's do healthy things together!

reach out to be volunteers

life is not dull
make differences in your life

new ending

2010-12-31T17:13:00.004+08:00

nobody can go back and start a new begining, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. i love this saying. leave whatever unhappy, unpleasant and unhealthy things behind today, hold a big smile for tomorrow. kiss goodbye to 2010. let's welcome the new year, 2011.

everything become better,
happier, luckier and healthier.
i'll enjoy, satisfy and have lot of fun.

shred

2010-12-29T14:14:00.003+08:00

looking forward to next year was not enough for me. first, i needed to shred the bad bits of 2010. that's an idea i got from the New Yorkers. the members of the public were invited to jot down their least favorite moments and memories, then stuff the paper into a giant shredder set up. that must be a long list of the bad things i wanna get rid of. i would like to just mentally shred them into million of pieces then burn into ashes. i trust, none of these memories will be ever seen again. the empty space of my mind only for keeping the new good things.

shred the bad memories
and recycle into the good things

Ho Ho Ho

2010-12-20T22:31:00.004+08:00

santa claus is coming to town. i want to spend the christmas in the warm circle of family and friends. i wish for the only present, the presence of love, peace and hope all wrapped up together. i know i will receive it because i am always in the checked list of Mr.Santa. :)

it's not about opening present
is about opening your heart

unguessable

2010-12-18T22:28:00.005+08:00

Unable to guess whether lately, your silence is good or bad. and i don't want to ask too much. let the try outs lock our hearts. if a sudden cold, a sudden hot warmth is your excuse, then i rather to have never been serious with you. i am not interested in what is inside your brain. dear, not i couldn't guess it, just i don't want to guess anymore.

the more you care about someone,

the more unguessable it is.

$

2010-12-01T18:58:00.005+08:00

Eek. money never made a man happy yet, nor will it. shouldn't let it brings me stress and influence my emotion. it's not worth for that. life shouldn't be printed on dollar bills. i am just a poor girl who wants to be rich of happiness. :)

we are priceless.
:D

Note to God

2010-12-01T01:26:00.004+08:00

If I wrote a note to God
I would speak what's in my soul
I'd ask for all the hate to be swept away
For love to overflow

If I wrote a note to God
I'd pour my heart out on each page
I'd ask for war to end
and for peace to mend this world

I'd say I'd say I'd say

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love, cause love is overdue
And it seems like so much is going wrong
On this road we're on

If I wrote a note to God
I'd say please help us find a way
End all the bitterness, put some tenderness
in our hearts

I'd say I'd say I'd say

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love, cause love is overdue
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you

Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is going wrong
On this road we're on

No No

We can't do it on our own

So So

(Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love, cause love is overdue)
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help

Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is going wrong
On this road we're on

No No
(No)We can't do it on our own

(So) So

If I wrote a note to God

God, i know you see this.
<3

FLAWS

2010-11-28T11:00:00.004+08:00

not denying, i am only human, with flaws and weaknesses. do accept who i am because no one is perfect including you.

1. like to scowl. (made me feel comfortable. always do it when feel insecure or awkward or just do it)

2. speak loud when impress something. (don't misunderstand that i scold people or i over react, i just confirm you get what i said)

3. fusspot. (always fuss over an unimportant matter, get into a state of nervous.)

4. stingy. (if spent money on something worthless, will mourn for my penny for long time. definitely not to family and good friends, am very generous to them.)

5. low crying point. (my tear duct very sensitive. T.T)

6. expect people treat me like the way i treat them. (most of them just never return good deeds)

7. love to sing like superstar-wanna-be. (sorry and thanks to my audiences :D)

8. hot-tempered. (please bear with me. when i get mad, i really mean it)

9. emotional. (moods like roller coaster, up and down in minutes)

10. lazy bug. (hardly to remove my butt once i sit or lay down)

11. glutton. (food is a big part of my life, i LOVE to eat so much!)

i am beautiful
because i know my flaws
:)

bright and shiny

2010-11-16T00:44:00.003+08:00

come on! kick off the dark and twisty me, i wanna be bright and shiny! what the hell for the bad things? you never beat me down. i am getting stronger, strong enough to give up, give up to carry any troubles or woes along. for the money and items i lost, i'm gonna earn double or triple back! i considered as expensive lessons i had, and i learned freaking enough. sick of mourning on the dead material things. i am aging, so what? that's only push me to live my life more happy, not to waste any second on craps. screw those people thought that they mean a whole world for me. i only love people that are worth for, not you. laugh my ass out! happiness is only thing can stay in my world. :D

LOL. it wears braces just as cute as me. :)

shines my world
with your smile
i'm loving it

20th

2010-11-13T13:06:00.004+08:00

my birthday is getting meaningless for me as aging. i don't care if there're no celebration, no presents or no suprises, although the inner part of me do mind if my day wasted just like that. this year spent the day together with my besties who have made lot of efforts on plans of the day, made it became less ordinary. thank you for everything you did. thank you for existing in my life, staying alive, and loving me. i love you, yes i do.

my wishes are simple
please make them
become TRUE

sleepzzz

2010-11-09T00:31:00.005+08:00

i love sleeping on my warm comfy bed, everyone does. i always feel better after waking up from sleep, like what happened yesterday have past. it elevates my mood, and charges my energy for the brand new day. the best part of sleep is dreaming. no matter sweet dream or nightmares, we can hide away from the realistic world for a moment, immerse ourselves in the world we create. never take sleep for granted. some people do suffer from dyssomnia and parasomnia. one more thing, waking up from sleep is a reminder for us that we are still living. have a nice sleep, human.

dream of someone means that
the one is missing you

no more hassles

2010-11-05T23:27:00.007+08:00

too many hassles piled up together, and always one sink one rise, torture me in sequence. i am so tired to cope with them, which are enough to make me stress and drive me crazy. i was easily to lose my temper and frustrated by those bad things. i don't want to learn to be strong, tough and optimistic. can i just throw tantrum like a child and wait people to fix them for me? i don't wanna grow up, wish i never grown up, everything is so simple. not to think things so complicated, not to take things like a big deal and not to bother anything, anything. done my vents. take a deep breath. just fight while i can.

stop hurting me
i am more fragile
than i thought

Corinthians 13:4

2010-08-22T01:10:00.003+08:00

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

Corinthians 13:4
love you, ren.

give me

2010-07-05T00:14:00.004+08:00

give me sedative. struggled enough with my tangled thoughts and anxiety.

or give me more moments
with my dearest pupils.
i do miss them so much.

2010-04-16T21:21:00.004+08:00

i don't want to face the reality, to feel the insecurity, to wait for the hopeless. i hate the what is your plan question, detest the scornful response after no plan uttering out. helpless is overwhelmed me terribly, please don't add insult to injury. i have lost my first choice. it is tiring that convincing myself, it is not the right one.

never mind,
still got other choices.
:(

meilleur ami mâle

2010-03-16T01:45:00.002+08:00

just lend me your time, one minute per day.
hear my silence, send me your warmth by words.
be my closest friend, not whose lover.

Je vous,
mon bon ami.

decision

2010-03-06T22:49:00.004+08:00

i was so indecisive and weak when facing the music and making the huge decision. dawn upon me, every decision you made will eventually turn out to be the right one for you. it just depends on how you think. there's no perfect choice or whatever. right. no more evasion, no more escape, no more like a ostrich bury its head in the sand. it is just another mountain that i need to climb over it.

Once you make a decision,
the universe conspires
to make it happen

i'm okay

2010-02-26T01:24:00.005+08:00

i hope i could tell the best lie that i'm okay, but i can't even lie to myself. i was wrecked, into pieces.

i'm really a babi.

darezi

2010-02-19T02:02:00.008+08:00

=D although joyous moments were so brief, reunion of loves was so memorable. i was really delighted. as we growing up, we realized that the chances we can meet are lesser, the time we can spend together are more than precious. chinese new year is the most anticipatable holidays. for me, the greatest thing of it, is not collecting ang pao, is not eating cookies, is be with our loves.

i love cny
the once-a-year
spring festival

past tense

2009-12-31T00:06:00.005+08:00

the year sped by in the blur that i barely remember what i experienced. i forgot how i spent the days of form six. it was already a distant memory. stpm tied the knot of form six life. two years efforts simply judge by few papers which used only hours. ironic. worse, i have no idea that did i try my best to answer. my brain definitely do a good job in blocking those painful things. one thing i truly know, everything was past. this is the end also the beginning. live the present as much as we can for one of the reasons, we're still alive.

Nothing is improbable
until it moves into
past tense

reciprocal

2009-10-31T09:08:00.004+08:00

you didn't reply me again. when i was totally feel depressing, your name appeared on my hp calling. you would not know how touching was i. when cochlea detected your voice, my tears was streaming down my empty face and my body was involuntarily quivered. i rushed to pour out my inner thoughts to you, about your apathetic acts, our complicated feelings, our deepest concerns to you. i know i should ask you for explanation at the same time. still, luckily i came clean to you in time. don't ever let misunderstanding become a barrier between us and set our hearts apart. we must do something before it is too late. i'm the one who always make the first move and you're being unmoved grew tiredness on me. i thought in relationship, must be someone is being initiative and the other one is being passive. no, it is definitely wrong. a genuine relationship is reciprocal. one loves the other and the other recognizes that love, acknowledges it, and returns it.

receive
a message
a call
a mail
and reply

scream

2009-09-14T22:34:00.011+08:00

now i just want to scream out my lungs like bella did when the same nightmare keep haunting her. only one more month left. i'm out of time. not about new moon, is something else. something that strangles my neck.

why was i panicking now?

i'd known it's coming.

why should it frighten me that it's here.

racetosavemylove

2009-07-25T18:09:00.008+08:00

when i was watching Bella runs across the fountain towards Edward, slowly unbuttoning his shirt to expose his pale chest, i had chills, goose bumps and tear rush. i can feel Bella runs till her lungs burst, thrash her way through the red crowd to save the one she lives for, as if i were her. "Stop! Stop! No Edward, don't!"

For in failing at this,

I forfeited any desire to live.

Galaxie

2009-07-01T20:43:00.003+08:00

got it. (:

i've sent a thank mail to Galaxie.

your 108th

2009-06-20T20:38:00.007+08:00

happy birthday, my edward cullen.
the more you love someone, the less sense anything made.

"how long have you been 17?"

"a while."

coffee bean

2009-06-19T14:39:00.007+08:00

i am coffee bean, not a carrot or an egg. the boiling water melts the coffee bean, triggers coffee bean to release its fragrance and flavor. when things are at their worst, i should get better and change the situation around me. it's ironic that the circumstance did bring me painess but i still can't replace the failure with motivation. i've to endure it. i've to make a cup of aromatic and flavorful coffee.

taste the bitter
sweet comes later

evasion

2009-06-09T22:38:00.004+08:00

i truly knew it, but when it uttered out from other's mouth, it's hurt as if the words shot at the right core. i knew, i was giving myself cornucopia of evasions to escape myself from studies, keep asking friends for the answer - i also didn't study - to ease my guiltiness. it's actually stupid and annoying.

Edward,

scold me harshly.

it's rising

2009-05-30T22:59:00.016+08:00

the overpowering craving to keep my eyes and hearts open the development of New Moon refused to fade. i'd seen the 15 new faces, the Wolf Pack, the official poster and every pic from vancouver and italian set, especially the reunion scene. not the least, the 14-sec tease with one-sec kiss. i can't wait to watch the MTV Movie Awards. THEY ARE REVEALING THE NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN NEW MOON FREAKIN TRAILER! my excitement increases exponentially as the time passing. i think i can only watch it from youtube, no live coverage at m'sia perhaps.

finally, i watched it. the short trailer is totally awesome, made me replay it again and again. i clenched my fists when watching the kiss scene, shocked by the ravenous Jasper, the agony in Edward's eyes hurted me, the broke up scene was so very heartbreaking. i could feel Bella's helplessness when Laurent was looking at her. the next second, it's extremely exciting when the scene turned to the transformation of Jacob into werewolf. i couldn't contain my eagerness to watch New Moon anymore!

ops, almost forget to share the good news, Twilight won 5 MTV Movie Awards - Best Fight (Cam Gigandet and Robert Pattinson), Breakthrough Male Performance (Robert Pattinson), Female Performance (Kristen Stewart), Best Kiss (Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart) as well as the big award for Best Movie of the Year! Rob and Kristen are amazing. Catherine Hardwicke, good job! i love the movie so much!

New Moon will be released on November 27, 2009 in M'sia. big pain knocked my heart, i thought it will be released on Dec or next year so i can watch it in the cinema after the life-death-exam. i'm drowning in misery...

i would never put a werewolf between edward and me

"I can't live in a world where you don't exist"

i was racing to save something infinitely more precious.

my own life meant little to me today.

the proximity

2009-05-28T23:19:00.006+08:00

reality always twisted my expectations and hopes. i had an accident. a Corona was suddenly stopped in front of my car, i stomped on the brake in time. i automatically viewed the rear-view mirror. i saw a Subaru was speeding towards my car. i was able to absorb in clear that it's going to crash me. then, it was the shattering crunch of the collision of cars. the great force of the collision pushed my car to crash the Corona. i thought i would be smashed to the mirror because of the inertia. i felt horribly fragile. thanks God, i didn't injure, but my car was seriously damaged. even the front seats were spoilt. i realized, the proximity of death startles us as sudden as a car accident happened without warning. it breaths between breaths, closer than we dare admit. live your every second, who knows what happens next?

Alice, i want to have the same ability with you.

sees things that might happen,

things are coming.

felicity

2009-05-23T18:35:00.009+08:00

just ended a long talk with you. it made me flashed back our moments. back to the days you had intership at kt, i was barely asked you out and turned you down. you always called me for chatting but i seldom did so. i really felt bad. you treat me better. sorry, you deserved more love from me. although distance is a huge hurdle blocking us from moving forward, your position would never change in my heart no matter how low is my rank in yours. having felicia pua in my life is my felicity.

i really miss you. i mean it.

i love you,

always being your

forever push-up bra.

apheresis

2009-05-22T21:10:00.008+08:00

i had my 2nd time blood donation. to find my not-prominent-veins, the tourniquet was braced so tight around the upper arm, utterly anesthetized my lower arm. it was quite intolerable. when collecting my blood, i was hardly clenched my fist. my left arm continued felt no strength after done as if it was not a part of my body. i couldn't straighten it. still, i was growing felt better. next time, i have to warm myself first, increase the vasodilation of arterioles.

inevitable bruise

"it was impossible... to stop"

why you did it.

why didn't you just let the venom spread?

by now i would be just like you.

stop the cycle

2009-05-20T15:03:00.005+08:00

the answer sheet was almost blank. i felt a surge of heavy remorse. i tried very hard to block the nasolacrimal duct, but tears still streaming down my face. again, it happened. how many times i keep repeating this stupid cycle - no study, terrible result, grief -? there's no proof showed that i was changed. i hate myself, for being such a fool never learned her lesson. i suffered enough of what i've done.

sighed,

full stop.

sank

2009-05-15T16:02:00.006+08:00

that was the first night i dreamed of Edward. in the dream, i asked him is everyone smell the same for him. he smiled, and said " your scent is different." oh, the words like struck my heart, it spluttered hyperactively. you've no idea, how much i wished i didn't wake up. i think about him all day, remember everything he says, doodle and google his name. i was absolutely positive that Edward was a frictional character and i would never want anything but him.

i was already in too deep.

dying to sink my teeth into it.

OME

2009-04-22T19:46:00.004+08:00

i'm unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Edward Cullen. Edward rush seriously pulsing through my whole body. reading twilight was becoming a relevant part of my daily routine. i couldn't bear the gloom that engulfed me as i couldn't read it, like i couldn't see him. he is my spirit now. he filled my hollow heart. he gave me the twinge of enthusiasm i'd felt for biology. he controlled his thirst for human blood, i'd control my evilness for ditching books. what a stupid lamb am i.

yes, you're exactly my brand of heroin.

bite me,

only vampire,

can love you

forever.

under its skin

2009-03-25T21:14:00.007+08:00

dissection of mouse, my first time experience. complicated feeling mixed in my mind during this experiment. little excited to begin it as i've never tried before. the mouse was so helpless, just can laid at there, waited for me to cut its body. when cutting its fur covered skin, felt like my skin was crawling with lice. the organs're not disgusting as they're almost same with ours. i saw its tiny heart was still beating, i didn't feel to mess up the organs. just watching others took out their mice respiratory, circulatory and disgestive system. some of their heads were apart with the bodies and skins were totally peeled off. after all, i had a little interest on being a doctor or surgeon but i prefer forensic. for me, dissect dead better than living one.

thanks, miss mouse.

i want to to be cold blooded.

not to love and be hurted.

ugly astee

2009-02-23T18:29:00.007+08:00

waited my turn for years, finally, my ortho treatment began. i know once i've decided, i've to keep holding on till the end. my case is not a piece of cake, but complicated. after wearing the braces for about 2 years, still have another heavy step to take. i'll be tough to persist in doing this. it's suffered and risk, yet, i know if i don't do it, regret will be carried along my life. depressing times creep, on the upside, i was getting nearer with my perfect smile. (:

in process

i pray sincerely,

please make the ugly duckling's story

become true on me,

turn me into a beautiful swam.

light up the lantern

2009-02-09T21:34:00.011+08:00

15th day of cny marked the end of it.despite just had few sharing moments, let's flash back those days in previous times. lack of photos to speak but some memories sounds in mind.

3rd day
visited to jane, kiat hui, paul and my home

4th day
visited to friends' houses at wisma tenang and ladang

5th day

went around air jernih and pulau kambing

compared to last year, cny 2009 was sort of boring. felt little disappointed, maybe that's because i had over high expectation on it. take mind off the spoilt part of it, still satisfied. well, the new year is not about what happened, is about what to come. breath deep and smile, happy always comes first.

throw away the limaos
open up the angpaos
say bye to yuan xiao

the tumours

2009-01-31T22:28:00.005+08:00

save me, from being a hot-tempered person. my uncontrollable emotion always takes a step above my rasionalisation. i can't bear for the records of my immature acts. regrets tug my heart everytimes after i've calm down and refresh back what i did. thought that i was being myself, that's my attitude and i didn't care how people comment about me. that's false! stop living in the self-centered world. kick off the bad, improve to the max and gain respect of people even myself. won't know the next second i'll hurt who, so think twice before talking. not to louder the volume, be soft and polite. not to let anger fill my mind, be wise and rasional. remember, silence is golden, sometimes. i accept every inch of me and try to get better. noone is perfect, you know.

i envy the girl you like

although i want to be the one

i don't want to be the 2nd her

because i'm me

listen to my heart

2009-01-26T23:20:00.006+08:00

the worst happening stroke my first day of cny into pieces. hope that's the only bad luck in this ox year. the tragic story i just shared with those closest. i'm the kind of person who dislike to expose weakness in front people. even the tears blur my vision, i'll keep holding and not to let it drop. it is so uneasy to say out the poignant things for me, i believe it's same to others too. find the dearest to talk, as i know they care about me and i'll feel a bit of relief after saying out. it work but sometimes it may just put a damper on it. i do mind that when i'm telling the story seriously, but what i get is a response with tonnes of humour. i feel not be respected and ignored, there is no next time for heart-to-heart conversation. you may think it's not serious, but, for fragile me, it is. learn to be a good listener, put yourself in other people's shoes, you'll understand their feeling. they just want to share the downs with someone they trust or someone know them well. lend a pair of ears or eyes to them, use your sincere heart to listen or see what they want to tell and comfort them as you can. treat people like how you want people treat you, this is my lesson too. not less to wish, happy chinese new year.

although when i need you

you won't be there

you're always my listener

memory loss

2009-01-10T00:32:00.005+08:00

perhaps my brain is at somewhere or someone, i'm having short term memory loss and make no sense in doing things. still able to recall vividly, my hp put in the pocket of pants that i was wearing, but i thought i left it at shop. reached home, my hand automatically took it from pocket and just realised that it was my hp. another more serious case, i was keep searching for the house keys in my bag. after seconds, i saw my left hand was holding it. sometimes, i opened internet explorer, i forgot which website i wanted to enter. my mind was so easily to wander but it always occupy by you. the image of you come back to me time and time again. though, maybe the memory about you will loss one day, i can't even remember who are you. please help me save every mementos of us in your heart. this you promised, not to forget me.

teach me,

delete the poignant memories

only lock the happy ones.

change

2009-01-03T21:11:00.003+08:00

holiday has sneaked away when we're still indulging ourselves in off pressures time. people, is time to sober up, synchronize our watches. waved to the two months holiday, tomorrow continue my school life again. no any feeling or expectation, everything surely remains almost the same, classmates, teachers, and also complicated theories and calculations. now i eager for the coming chinese new year especially 28th of jan, going to take another step of changes. speaking of, i want to change, shame of myself because i've said milion times but no work. it's not an idle promise again. prove it, to me. as Obama said, yes, i can. yes, i can. yes, i can.

not to say, but to do

action speaks louder

than words, always

not the end

2008-12-30T22:12:00.006+08:00

as the end of year draws near, i would like to list some unforgetable pasts on 2008. turn the clock of memories to the good old days, visited houses with a big bunch of friends in chinese new year. we're bonding together after, almost everyday hanging out. those days were so relax and unwind with no problems to worry. till the release of SPM result, many of us were standing on the T junction and grappling with which road should we take. time goes, all of us split to walk our own paths. me, took the one less travelled by, grassy and lacked wear. spoke to myself, once decide, no regrets and fight to the end. in april, i got my car licence. felt so independent that don't need to rely on anyone when want off to somewhere. on the dark side of the year, my maternal grandfather passed away. although he's not with us anymore, i know he's looking after us in the heaven. november's me, had a memorable 18th birthday with my besties. christmas eve and christmas were not exceptional, worth to be remembered too. not the least, the new year eve soon to be spend. i can't wait to countdown and turn the page of new year. despite that i was having great times this year and sort of reluctance to past it, i believe my life is increasingly meaningful by years. so, don't sad because it's past, be happy because it happened and you experienced it. :)

thanks for all of you went through one year with me

sorry for every mistakes i've done in this year

i love you, not only for this year

merry x'mas

2008-12-26T01:51:00.006+08:00

in the crisp December air, the embraces of loves warmed me up. although santa claus didn't ride his rudolphs and send christmas gift to me, you know, i think he already gave me the most precious pressie, spent the christmas with my besties. no snow, no christmas tree, no any decoration, there was not important at all. focusing on the true heart of christmas, not the material stuff. appreciate what you're having, God provides us more than enough. Happiness is not measured by how much you've but by how little you need. :D

angels in my life

thanks God

for everything

amen

ma, sheng ri kuai le

2008-12-17T22:38:00.006+08:00

today is my mum's 45th birthday. ops, age seem to be women's secret. well, no matter the age increasing by the year, no matter the time leaves wrinkles on your face, no matter what, you know i always love you. always. sometimes, i hurt you and made you sad. sincerely apologize to you, i know i ain't a good daughter but i promise i'll try my very best to be. the least, i'll fulfil my basical duty that celebrating your birthday with you every year. :)

wo ai siow lee.

my love for you is

deeper than sea

higher than moutain

nothing's right

2008-12-15T14:51:00.005+08:00

what's wrong with me? not being glutton, don't eat food like off limits and eat so less until i can't believe that's me. anyway, that's consider as a good news for me. finally, i can control my desire for food. i ain't the desperate for becoming thinner but will feel a little pride when see the scale is pointing more to the left and glad that people say "siew ting, you've become thinner." i do always take it as a compliment. no worries, i won't torture myself by throwing up the food. one more thing run me being a bit abnormal. i was so enjoy being a geek girl staying at home facing the com, watching drama or just relaxing. needless to say the reason, recently i want to get my butt off the house and hanging out with my besties. seriously, i thought you don't have so much influence for me. i was wrong, again.

no doubt,

yoou're wrong, too

broken wing

2008-11-23T22:53:00.011+08:00

evil me caught it to sacrifice for my insect specimen in this morning. maybe is because i accidentally dropped the case when i was trying to catch bees or it was flapping its wing hardly to escape from the small case, one of its wings broke into half. i noticed it keep hugging its broken wings like mourning for it. i can felt that it was sobbing. made me feel so sorrow, i knew that it was my fault. sorry, dragonfly. i wanted to let it fly away because it also didn't have any uses for me as it was incomplete. at least the broken wing saved its life. i opened the case but it still hugged it and stoned at there. then, i picked it up and put on the table. after minutes, it just carrying the broken wing and flew away. it inspired me that even insects also have feeling. maybe it like me, don't want to put down the broken pieces, don't want to lose anything and holding something which are only hurt myself endless. let the broken go by wind, let the scar healed by time. siew ting, you know it will disappear one day.

i know it won't recover

never and ever...

self murderer

2008-11-22T21:45:00.001+08:00

Yesterday there was a malay girl, who's only 18 tried to commit suicide. she wanted to jump down from yen tin midtown hotel but both of her hands holded the pole beside her so tightly and stood at the edge of the top for about 2 hours still didn't jump down. so many people were gathered around the hotel to watch the movie and many beds put on the road to wait her falling down. me, the passbyer watched her a while, i guessed she won't jump because if she have made her mind sure would did it straightly. why she wanted to wait all the eyes watching she acted at there for so long? at last, she was fainted and failed her mission. Today newspaper said that she was tempted to have that idiot's thinking is because her boyfriend scolded her. wow. this i totally have my wrong thought. at first, i thought maybe she dumped by her boyfriend after making sex with her or be raped and feel that so shame to live in the world. -_-" she was ridiculously childish and brainless! Just because a damn-lame-reason then thought of kill herself. If can, so much i want to slap, smack or beat her and ask her to donate her life to my lovely grandpa. i missed him.

well, don't care what the reasons people want to end their life themselves. split up with love, bankrup, feel meaningless to live and whatever suck excuses. is that worth enough to do this? get your ass off the stupidity. think of those love you and heart you. Those who're having tough life but still be strong to face all the difficulties. Some even don't have the choice to live. They tried so hard to continue their precious lives. try many kinds of treaments, laying on bed gasping hardly for every breath, even don't dare to close their eyes because they scare once they fall into sleep they will never wake up again. you know or not? please. do appreciate your life. you don't have the right to kill yourself. don't be self murderer.

love yourself

just like i do

heart attacked

2008-11-16T22:00:00.003+08:00

"your dad lost! since about 5.30 jogged till now also didn't appear. " a sudden call by my mum at 7.30. OMG.. usually he just jog for an hour how come the sky turned dark still not yet back.. tell me..what should i do now? my mind totally blank, i felt my face became so pale like just saw a ghost, my heart was pounding with fear until i can listenned the voice of beating. I just can stay at home waiting my mum give me a ring again or return home to tell me. keep imagining was he kidnapped by people? fainted on the hill, noone found him? what else? should i even call the police? don't fright me please. I don't dare to think worse situation. I really very scared and worried about him. tears are rolling in my eyes. prayed to God.. "God.. please! please always be my dad's side.. send him back safe and sound. I promise you i will study tomorrow, amen." why after half an hour, my mum still didn't call me back? suddenly i become a terrible coward, i don't dare to call her. I scared i will get bad news from her. NO!!!! I prefer waiting and waiting. time tick tock tick tock, my heart dung dung dung, finally my mum arrived home. she told me my dad is okay now. the stone in my heart just can put down. I started to regain my composure. she told me my dad just now fetched by his friend to kuala berang. she scolded him for didn't bring phone, didn't inform her that he was going to friend's shop and make us so worry. yea.. stupid dad.. you thought today is april fool? i punish you treat me eat tasty food at kl. because of you, i have to study tomorrow. no more next time okay? my heart is unbearable for attack.

God bless my family

I'm willing to study hard

Because of them..

my +0

2008-11-14T01:59:00.005+08:00

13.11.2008

karen's birthday one day after me

the youngest yet the toughest girl among us.

we're always be proud of you.

although you're the quiet type, I like to talk and share my ups and downs with you.

although we spend less time together since you studied at kl, our frienship still remain strong.

although you seldom speak sweet words to us, I know we're in your heart.

Girl, it's my pleasure too to have you as my best friend and celebrate your 17th birthday together

your cute smile will always fresh and vivid in my mind
As we said, no matter how far apart we are, our hearts are bonding closely and tightly
I love you, ren

I know you love me too

x.o.x.o

siew ting

18th me

2008-11-13T23:42:00.001+08:00

besties . family . friends . wishes . surprises . presents . celebration

made my 18th birthday

A piece of cake with a candle is enough to light up my birthday

3 wishes : 1st. those I love happy and healthy always

2nd. strike excellence in studies and works

3rd. secret

card that full of loves and wishes

me . loves

planned so hard for long to give me an unforgettable memory . paid so much effort on collecting papers from friends and making the big pretty card . came to my faraway house on the heavy rainy day although all of you were tired, sleepy and hungry just to give me surprise on 12a.m., bring the card, cake and dinner/supper for me.

Everything I have kept in the bottom of my heart and appreciate so much. I was very touched and felt so unexpected but my stupid reaction didn't show. I seriously can't find any words to speak out my appreciation and loves for you. I know you understand me and love me. :)

I'll always LOVE you!!!

Thanks a billion for those wished and celebrated my 18th birthday with me.

I was on top of the world that day because of all of you.

It was the most wonderful birthday that I never ever had.

12.11.2008

a memorable and special day for me

x.o.x.o

siew ting